you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize