Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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