Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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