So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
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Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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