no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
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There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
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My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
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I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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