I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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