I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
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I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
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I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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