The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize