im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
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How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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