please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize