My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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