i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
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when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
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You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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