Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
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No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
There's always time for handjobs
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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