Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize