I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
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Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
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oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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