this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
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Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
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Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize