woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
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Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
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How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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