I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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