Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
where does the pee come out of this thing
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After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
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Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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