sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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