is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
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its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
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Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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