If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize