the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
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he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
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I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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