and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize