You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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