hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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