It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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