***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
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I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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