I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
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Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
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Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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