i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
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So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
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You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
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