I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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