It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize