If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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