There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
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My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
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When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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