I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
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literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
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Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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