I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
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I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
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I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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