you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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