So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
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I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
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I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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