we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
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I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
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I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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