I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
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I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
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And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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