i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
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my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
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Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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