My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
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Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
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Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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