do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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