I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
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I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
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I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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