It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
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I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
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there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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