i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
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Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
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You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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