dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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