Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
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That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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