Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I cut my penus on the lid.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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