she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
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Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
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It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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